Control Freak

It has been brought to my attention that I like to be in control. My husband has been saying it for years but what does he know…right?. But then other people started mentioning it. Co-workers, friends, my sisters, my father in law, my dad, the sermons on Sunday mornings. Some in subtle ways, others in not so subtle ways. I would dismiss them all as not understanding me, not liking me, or not caring as much as me. But then my counselor said it. After only three one hour sessions, my counselor said some words that hit me like a ton a bricks. And this time I heard it. Maybe it was because she doesn’t know me AT ALL. She didn’t grow up with me, she didn’t raise me, she doesn’t work with me, she doesn’t live with me. She only knows the things that I have chosen to share with her in our first three sessions. And from three hours of talking to me she summarized my ramblings and reflected back their interpretation. She said, “It sounds like you like to be in control.” WOW. Could it be true?

The reason that I have had such a hard time acknowledging and accepting this fact about myself is because I used to be the exact opposite. The girl that I was 15 years ago couldn’t wait to lose control so surely 33 year old me and that girl can’t be the same person. But we are. There was a time when I had no real sense of control and I loved it. I was fun loving, care free, funny, I spoke before I thought, and yes I was the LIFE OF THE PARTY. Sure, I did what I needed to do, I went to class, did my school work, showed up for cheer practice but if there was fun to be had or chaos to be found, I found it. I found it a few too many times. The chaos that had become my life was slowly revealed to me as I floated down what seemed to be the longest and slowest river while holding my third Minor in Possession of Alcohol ticket up out of the water the entire time while everyone around me continued to drink themselves into oblivion. That day, I told myself that I needed to get control of my life. And I did. I walked away from that river changed and I never looked back.

Thirteen years later, I build a great life. I’m a wife, a mom, and a graduate student. I have already accomplished some incredible things in my first career and I have a whole slew of things that I plan to accomplish in my next career. From the outside, it looks like I have it all together. That I have it all under control. Clinging to that control makes me feel safe and secure but lately I haven’t been able to control anything and I feel anxious about everything (Hence, why I started counseling… wait for it there will be an entire blog on this subject). Over the past four years, I have become acutely aware that I can’t control anything. It makes me dizzy just thinking about all the things in my life that I can’t control. I don’t want to feel this way any more. I know that the first step to working through a problem is to acknowledge it, so here it goes:

Hi, My name is Faith and I am a control freak.

The irony of that statement is not lost on me. The fact that my name is Faith yet I have none. I haven’t walked by Faith in so long that the thought of giving up control and trusting God with my life terrifies me. Except, I have no other choice. I need Jesus. I need to lose control. I literally need to let go and let God. So that is what I plan to do. I plan to take Rachel Hollis’s advice and no longer keep everything hidden. I plan to write it down and release it so that the things that I can’t control no longer have control over me. I plan to embrace my chaos. I plan to walk to by Faith and see what happens.

So join me on my journey as I lose control and walk by Faith. I invite you along with me on my journey because it will help me. It might help you and because we all need a little bit of Faith.

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